Bad News For My Kindergartener

  • Yes, school is every weekday.  For the next 16-21 years.  And then you’ll work a similar schedule when you grow up.  Only there will be no summer breaks then.  I told you to enjoy your life of leisure while it lasted.
  • No, you don’t get to eat lunch at school.  For one more year you’ll have to suffer through healthy, home-prepared (notice I didn’t say home cooked…there’s a difference!) meals.  Next year you’ll be stuck at school all day and you can gorge yourself on Little Smokies and mushy tater tots then.
  • I don’t believe that after all these years they have changed the direction that the letters of the alphabet face.  I also don’t believe that the rules of addition have changed.  So, we will do your homework the way I learned it.
  • You don’t need to ride the bus.  Your mommy picks you up at school.  And yes, someday you’ll be embarrassed to be seen on school grounds with your chubby, old mom who may have woken up late and thrown on her best sweat pants/plaid shirt/crocs combination before strapping on a fanny pack and rushing you to school.  But, bear in mind, the first time you bitch about it or fail to kiss me good-bye, I’ll start putting curlers in my hair and I’ll personally walk you to your classroom every day.  (And to everyone else, I don’t really have wear a fanny pack).
  • Sometimes, you’ll have to learn stuff that you don’t think you’ll ever need in life.  I had to learn the metric system because they swore to me that the whole world would be using it by the time I graduated.  The U.S. didn’t convert but I did go into the medical field where the metric system is used.  The lesson is…just learn the crap they tell you, you never know what will happen.
  • Get all you can out of school because you’ll have to support yourself.  You can’t live here forever.
  • And one last bit of bad news/advise for you dear son: get good grades so you’ll qualify for scholarships.  Sorry, it was the big screen or the college fund.  I’m not good with delayed gratification.
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