Who am I?

I’ve come to the sickening realization that I am not only getting old(er) but I have also lost any amount of cool I ever possessed.

Once upon a time I was in great shape, partied like a rock-star and lived moment to moment.  I loved last minute travel plans and hated structure.  I spent time in the gym.  I loved to go anywhere and do anything for fun.  I was competitive in martial arts.  I competed against, and beat, men and I have the trophies to prove it.

Flash forward a few years 10 years and three children later.  I am now a big, old softie (I’m referring to the body, not the personality).  Every trip out of the house is a precision maneuver involving the  transport of four to five humans and a collection of gear along strategic routes to  provide the greatest amount of success with the fewest obstructions.  I haven’t peed in private since 2001.  My meal plans are dictated by a kid who won’t eat anything that doesn’t start with “Mc”.  My cupboards are always open.  The shower curtain smells like pee no matter how often I wash it (are they working on their bank shot in there?).  And I don’t feel like the Home Ec class I was forced to take in 7th grade prepared me for a damn thing.

My younger, cooler self (my YCS) would be mortified if she knew what the future held for her.  The good news is, I have one person in my life that I can cling to.  A man who is just as shell-shocked about his day-to-day life as I am about mine.  They say there is safety in numbers.  We should have thought about that before we had #3 and became outnumbered.

So here is the cast of characters in my motley, little family:

• The Hubbin- I think that he, too thinks about his YCS and wonders where it all went wrong.  Although he is a prisoner here too, he does have the luxury of being on work release.  He most often works out of town, leaving me as the sole headmistress to manage the daily mutiny.  Sometimes, we just huddle together in a corner hoping that they don’t notice us.

• The Oldest- A boy child.  He is curious and enthusiastic about everything.  He seeks information on all subjects.  Unfortunately, his enthusiasm and curiosity come in the form of a constantly running dialog that begins when he wakes up and ends at bedtime.  He is also completely obstinate and despite what The Hubbin implies, that didn’t come from me.
• The Middle-  This child is my Jekyll and Hyde.  So sweet and cuddly.  Such an angry, vicious temper.  The Oldest may start fights, but this is the kid who will finish them.  He is also a little too ahead of his age.
• The Baby- He hasn’t really turned on us yet, so there’s hope.  He is contributing to his brother’s cause though.  He keeps me worn down by waking me up at night, so that the brothers keep an edge over me.
• Lil’ Bastard- This addition to our family is of the canine variety. Despite his constant efforts to depreciate the value of my house, reduce my shoe collection and terrorize the neighborhood, I can’t quite bring myself to turn him into chaps…yet.
• Slightly Sane- This is really the only living creature in my house that isn’t constantly on my shit list. Aside from a fear of storms (when her little pea brain rationalizes that the safest place in the world is under the bed of the two oldest misfits) she occupies less than 2% of my pissed off time. I may also be a little more endeared to her as the only other source of estrogen in my testosterone drenched house!