I was having lunch with a friend of mine recently. I hadn’t seen her in over a year and she is now ridiculously cute and pregnant. We were talking about her pregnancy complications, having spent some time on bed rest, and she mentioned that, because of her “advanced age” (she’s 35!) she was considered a high risk pregnancy to begin with. That got me thinking. If, at 35, a woman’s age is “advanced” where does that leave me? I’ve decided that there are certain things that I, at 42, am far too elderly to include in my activities.
1) Pregnancy. Ok, I know that women all over the world are having babies well into their 40′s. The fact is that I lack the bionic genetic mutation that makes that possible. Carrying The Baby wasn’t good for my body. I spent 4 1/2 months on bed rest and was in preeclampsia when I delivered. Not to mention, I seem incapable of giving birth to anything other than boys and if one more drop of testosterone enters this house pretty sure my testicles will drop
2) Flashing my boobs Oh, yeah. I’m not proud to admit it, but I’ve done it. The unfortunate effects of 42 years of gravitational pull and nursing three children have ensured that those days are far behind me.
3) Throwing my panties onstage. To be truthful, I never had the experience. I’ve been to so many concerts and was never really moved to drop trou and toss the undies onstage. Sadly, those days are behind me. First,it’s kind of pathetic to be doing in your 40′s and second, the band really doesn’t need to dodging such a massive ball of flying material.
4) Flirting with a cop to get out of a ticket. Again, been there, done that. At 40 it’s just pathetic and increases the likelihood of getting a ticket. I’ve found that playing the responsibility card is better. “I’m sorry officer, I thought my son was choking and I was trying to get to a place so that I could pull over quickly and do the Heimlich”.
5) Recreate the kitchen sex scene from 9 1/2 Weeks. First of all, at 40+ the floor is hard, people. It’s cold and hard and when you have three kids your ass sticks to the juice spots on the floor and you risk getting Fruity Pebbles up your hoo-hah.
6) Wear a baby doll dress, baby doll T-shirt or Daisy Dukes. No matter how nice of a body you have, unless you’re a teenager or a 20-something, you have no business wearing a baby doll dress, baby doll T-shirt or Daisy Dukes. Really. It’s just sad.
That’s my preliminary list. You can be assured that each of these has been crossed off of my “Things To Do” list…with a Sharpie! I’ll have to apologize to The Hubbin’ for crossing off #5, but really, I think he knows.