I read something today that made me really think about how I live my life. It started with a word that always makes me shudder. One of those rare things in the world that I crave so desperately, yet never seem to be able to achieve. It’s almost become a cursed word for me to say. Every time I say to my family they look at me with confusion, and then laugh, like I’m Punk’ing them. The word that has haunted me for most of my life is this: Organization.

For as long as I can remember I’ve suffered from an inability to organize. I am a pack rat by nature, always have been. You could say I’m a closet hoarder, technically that’s true because the closets are where I keep all of my treasures. I can’t help it. I get attached to things. My collection has included things that, all these years later, even I can see are ridiculous to hold on to: text books from the 80′s (yeah, I’m THAT old!); a stuffed animal from the crazy aunt who left my uncle & took everything, including the light bulbs; a bandana from some band that played at my junior high school; an envelope with each and every part of the braces that finally brought my teeth together. Every few years I get a little nostalgic, open boxes and sit around stroking things and whispering, “My Precious”. It sounds pathetic, but I come by it honestly. One of the parental units used to bring things home from the dump, before they made that illegal, of course. After that, anything left on the curb on garbage day was fair game.  I did get a good deal on a double jogging stroller that way!

It isn’t that I don’t aspire to be organized. I read magazines, watch organizational shows and do actually try to organize. The problem is that my efforts at organization usually lead to more chaos. And, in chaos, I seem to find comfort. Rather than buying a special box for the batteries and putting that box in a logical location, it is easier for me to just make note of where I’ve seen batteries last.

“You need four AA batteries? I know there were three on the floor, behind the box of art supplies and wrenches in the coat closet. And, check under the couch, the cat was batting one around on Thursday.”

Organization has always seemed to put me a little behind in my work as well. I have honestly spent the past two days doing things that I know would help my work be better organized. After two days, I’ve looked around to find piles of organizational stuff that still needs done, and I’m four days behind in my work. OK, I did spend a few hours keeping up with the Kardashians, which put me a little behind, but a girl has to have some personal time, too.

I wish I knew how much money I’ve spent on organization over the past few years. All has gone to waste, and for that, I blame my family. Each and every storage box has had its life ended at the hand of my children. The boxes, canisters, lids, etc. have been turned into sandboxes, jello molds, grasshopper houses, and “science experiments”. They’ve been stacked up, stood on, slept on, slept in, cooked in, skied in, bathed in, and peed in (no, really!).

I can’t win!

And, so, I admit to the world, that, while I’ve seen the light and attempted many times to reach it, I’ve been relegated to the dark. I will continue living in the comforting arms of chaos.